A set of intimidating and satirical instructions on how to be a creative writer.

First find yourself a shed where you can pretend to live in the distant past or future surrounded by memorabilia once belonging to a stranger and talk to yourself about things that ‘talk to you’.  Work introspectively within yourself but if you find success and are published remember that you will be flung into the arms of an interrogating television or radio presenter who will want to know if the story is based on truth and you will ultimately have to lie or expose to the world your innermost flaws in return for publicising your own voice and becoming an independent thinker.  A word of warning, write cautiously about your inner circle of friends because your character descriptions may cause offence and further alienation and any remaining friends will never forgive you if you portray them unfavourably.  Even new people that you meet will be wary to let you in and you will probably have to get used to keeping the conversation going.  Write lots of good words, good sentences and good paragraphs with passion and vision.  Your spouse will undoubtedly grow tired of emptying and refilling the dishwasher, coming home to an empty fridge and bored by the lack of time you devote to them in preference to your singular vocation and the dedication you languish upon your novel rather than working in a proper job.  Eventually you will become an anti-social recluse who will eventually die of poverty induced starvation while writing your draft so plan to edit and redraft in the afterlife.  Dream about your big novel first and then get down to the reality of writing it and when people ask you what you’re interested in instead of remembering the friends you once had at the tennis club you can say that you hang out with the English Language because by the time you have written and published all of those intimate secrets and recognisable characteristics about the people in your life, the English Language will be the only friend you have left.  Finally, prepare to be ridiculed by anyone who reads your unrefined work because poorly written drafts will amuse and entertain your friends and family for many, many months and your writing faux-pas will spill over and be enjoyed by everyone from weddings to funerals in a sort of passive-aggressive way.  The one thing you may glean from this is you should improve you writing as quickly as possible or place your journal under lock and key,