#42941
Giselle
Giselle D
Participant

Hi Karen! Your writing is strong and your aviation descriptions are wonderful. I don’t know if it’s from life or just research, but to a novice it certainly sounds authoritave.
Reading through this I have two suggestions:
-stay out of the passive voice as often as possible (remove the maximum -ing words);
-spend as much energy on describing the human interactions as you do the mechanical ones.
The Blue-Isabelle exchanges are highly clichéd. During Blue’s exchange with the nurse I felt like I was reading a pulp novel from the fourties (or the fantasies of a adolescent boy). Following her curves, calling out “don’t go beautiful”, admiring her taught nipples… And her response to him is along similar lines, just interested in his physical aspects. Why is she risking her life to help him? Just because he’s a handsome man? Will your potential reader let your character off that easily?
If you want us to become invested in your characters, they’ll need more emotional and intellectual maturity.
Please don’t be hurt/offended by my remarks. It’s just that you’ve done such a great job with the rest that it seems that you’re selling yourself short protagonist-wise.