#24858
Giselle
gisdelsol
Participant

Hello,
This chapter is rich with experiences and insights.
Is the the beginning chapter, or elsewhere in the book?
If it’s the beginning, you might want to rework the frist paragraphs.For example, the first phrase “After Gino and I split up my career focus intensified” doesn’t necessarily pull me in, because I don’t know Gino, I don’t know the protagonist, and I don’t know if the fact that the career intensified is a good thing or bad thing. Perhaps give us a taste of what’s to come, hints that pull us in to discover what’s coming. Something along the lines of “Had I known the signs of a nervous breakdown I wouldn’t have found myself…..”.
For the rest, I think that you have a lot of ideas, but they need to be organized. I found that things jump around a bit, you may want to work on getting things smoother, allowing us time to assimilate the different experiences you’re putting forwards.
For example: <i>The corporate ladder than I was so intent on climbing was the very same ladder that turned around, whacked me and sent me flying, and I mean freefall. The doorbell rang, and I opened it to greet Rosalind, one of my good pals.</i> Here we switch from a thought to an action (ladder to doorbell), without anything to link the two together.You might think about helping the leader make this mental jump, which would avoid them being pulled out of the text.For exemple: …and I mean freefall. The fall started slowly, unnoticed, with distance being taken fromm my friends. One night, after a particularly strenuous day of work, the doorbell rang…
Or something along those lines.
There’s a lot of energy here, many interesting themes taken on. A bit of focus would make the message even stronger.
Of course, that’s just one take on it, so to adopt or reject. ;-)