#24061
Kate
kathrine_stewart
Participant

Hi Emma – feel free to throw darts at me, and this is only my opinion, others may disagree, but I don’t like it.
The dream of a second child feels weak. A childless woman, or someone suffering miscarriages, that’s emotive, but a second child, not so much.
‘A rescue plan unfolds’. – It may not be that she will adopt/foster the young girl, but it’s an easy assumption to make, so what’s the mystery.
‘Who is rescuing whom’ – You’ve not really pulled me in with the above, so I’m not sure I care. The other thing is that to me ‘whom’ doesn’t read well. It’s a word that has fallen out of use to a certain extent, and so for me that phrase feels odd .

Sorry to be harsh, but it’s important to get these pitches right, and for me it doesn’t work.
I’d maybe go back to version 2 and try to feed in more emotive phrases as Bella suggested.
:( Kate