Emma – who is your story about? You start with the woman whose marriage is crumbling, but then move on to another person who is facing a bleak future. These feel separate, so how do the two intertwine? I think you need to find the absolute essence of the story. I feel you’ve got too much detail here. Confronting her husband, the relocation, the fact the new person is a friend of her daughters are perhaps not relevant to the pitch.
A new friend, with a bleak future, throws Joan’s crumbling marriage and grief at her miscarriage into a whole new perspective…
That kind of idea. Hope that helps, but I’m no expert either.
Carole – I like yours, but I want to know how the Antique Bible is connected, because it feels a bit random at the moment. Just a few words. I don’t know how it’s connected so this is just a guess.
An Antique Bible may hold the only clue, but when the lead detective finds it…
Good luck both of you.