News Feed Forums Harry’s Feedback Friday Feedback Friday 10th November: 250 Words Opening scene for NaNo – 250 words

  • Opening scene for NaNo – 250 words

    Posted by nissa-van-riper on 16 November 2023 at 18:24

    Title: Hide & Seek Revenge
    About the book: SciFi, probably YA. Years ago a gang of kids had a good operation running disrupter missions to thwart their city council. But a mission went bad–really bad–courtesy of Six Tazida, the MC. The kids went their separate ways, taking their hard feelings with them. It’s three years later and Six has critical intel that needs to be acted on–fast–but she can’t do it alone. She grudgingly reaches out the old gang to make amends and to see if they want in on a plan to stop the council once and for all. This is the opening scene.

    The invisible girl rounded the corner at a run (breaking Cardinal Rule Number One) and ran into the back of a patrol. Like, literally. She literally ran into the rear-end of the rear guard. She would have a split second to disengage the mantle that cloaked her before the guard would see her materialize before his eyes. Super risky, but did she have a choice? She hoped the commotion in the market would cover her sudden appearance. (So long Cardinal Rule Number Five.)

    The guard spun around, swinging out with his arm. “Hey! What do you think you’re doing?” The six-person security patrol, assuming her too-obvious blunder was a distraction tactic for nearby thieves, snapped into a defensive formation.

    Six arranged her face to read innocence itself, pulled a Queen of Spades from her sleeve and waived it in the air playfully. “Game of Turn?”

    “You think this is a game?” The guard was torqued and he wasn’t the only one. Half the squad’s attention was now trained on her. Their attention was the very last thing she needed.

    “Uh…no?” Six smiled. She tried not to be obvious as her eyes flicked from alley to roof to market stall, scanning for an escape. If she’d successfully lost the thugs tailing her it could be as easy as going back the way she came.

    Five creeps wielding pipes and cables piled into the square behind her. No luck on that retreat. The boys looked only too satisfied to find their prey at arms reach

    • This discussion was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by  nissa-van-riper. Reason: It didn't save my indents so I spaced out the paragraphs
    Anthony Balkwill replied 1 week, 5 days ago 3 Members · 2 Replies
  • 2 Replies
  • cds cds

    16 November 2023 at 21:53

    Hey I really enjoyed this!

    I loved the set up – kids against the city council, I’m all in. I love your MC’s name and the cardinal rules. Nice job.

    As this is a nanowrimo piece I imagine you’re getting out words as quickly as possible so when you come to review it you can check for clarity (eg you introduce the MC as the invisible girl then switch to her name later on) but in my view this is a nice start. Well done 😊

  • Anthony Balkwill

    17 November 2023 at 06:59

    Really enjoyed it. The only thing that bothered me were the Cardinal Rules. Would Don’t Run be Cardinal Rule One? Have you made a list of them? Is there a good reason for not running being the most important rule?

The forum ‘Feedback Friday 10th November: 250 Words’ is closed to new discussions and replies.

Start of Discussion
0 of 0 posts June 2018