• Ceresse Gardner

    15 November 2023 at 18:06

    I enjoyed this, James. As I’m only reading it now, I’ll read it raw (not looking at other’s feedback). You’ve managed, extremely well, to place me (the reader) in the head of Johnny. I can see him so clearly in that cafeteria talking to the young Robert and his utter surprise when Robert appears to read his thoughts. Then again, looking back at Robert – whom he’d probably written off as a bit of a nut-case – wondering about the young man and on seeing him throw the bunched-up paper, possibly revising his opinion of him and wondering anew who he was.

    As I said, very well written.

    • James Rohan

      16 November 2023 at 05:01

      Thank you for reading and commenting, Ceresse,. I’m gratified you found my characters interesting — especially since you are commenting de novo.

  • joanne-mcclean McClean

    16 November 2023 at 18:05

    Hi this was fun to read, especially the mind reading part which you handled well without explaining it to the reader. I agree that the repetition of look and 2 x looked can be a little jarring. I appreciate it might be deliberate to stress that he did exactly as he was asked, but perhaps lose one of the other look/looked.

    I’m not sure what the alternative is, but I’m not so keen on the rhetorical questions when he’s thinking. Perhaps just delete the rhetorical qu and leave it as a statement.

    I like your description of throwing the paper in the bin; I find sometimes the simplest of actions are deceptively tricky to describe without waffling!

    • James Rohan

      17 November 2023 at 02:49

      “. . . sometimes the simplest of actions are trickiest to describe . . .” I agree.

      That’s why they invented movies!

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