GREY EYES 10 NOV 23

[Natàlia Prats]

Oooops. Little Robert has instantly become Creepy Robert.

I hope you put a footnote for that acronym in the manuscript. And I’m looking forward to see what happens next. It looks like this guy’s life is about to become a lot more eventful.

[James Rohan]

Awwww, Natalia, I thought you liked kids! Thanks for stopping by. And yes, Johnny’s life is going to become more eventful. How you guessed that, I’ll never know.

[Kate Morgan-Owen]

I really like this type of genre, like the Rivers of London series, merging an myth with seemingly real life.

I found the intro a bit confusing, in terms of working out who was leading this conversation. What’s the acrimonious separation that’s referred to?

Why would he know Robert? Is that because he’s touched Athena too, and now has powers. I think more of how Johnny’s feeling and reacting directly to the situation would help lead the scene more.

He has a really dramatic reaction to Robert reading his mind, but then is just perplexed as he goes off.

[James Rohan]

Thank you for reading and commenting, Kate, and for your time.

I hate to do it, but I will refer you to last week’s excerpt for further background & details of acrimony (otherwise the above intro will be longer than the excerpt). Robert is a child, and the first speaker here is a child. That was my attempt at a child’s voice.

[James Rohan]

Good point, Kate, about going from being stunned to perplexed so quickly. I’ll look into that some more.

[Marcus Brewster]

Hi James – and so the weirdness begins, in the best way.

Have another look at the last para – Robert’s throw could be edited for clarity. Otherwise I enjoyed Robert’s discovery of his nascent mutant powers.

[James Rohan]

Thanks, Marcus. The neighbors will be wondering why I am outside throwing paper balls at trash cans, but I’ll get it figured out (I’ll have to; it’s cold out there).

[Katrin Feldhus-O’Connell]

Yes, I was hoping Robert would get his moment! Great story telling – well written, intriguing, fun to read. I love how the kid gets the, well, little-kid treatment and then reveals something possibly metaphysical so casually. I like the mundane setting and how we’re slowly drawn towards ‘something else’.

Well, looking forward to the next one.

[James Rohan]

Thank you so much, Katrin, for your thoughtful reading. And Robert thanks you, too.

[bridget king]

Hi James. I loved this piece! And thank you for having weird stuff going on in the British Museum. That magical place is so crying out for that sort of thing. I think you write clever, fun prose and wouldn’t want to change a thing. I’ll look out for more of this story on the Jericho pages. Thanks for posting! 😀

[James Rohan]

Thank you so much, Bridget, for your kind words! Very gratifying. I visited the museum about the same time this story takes place, and I believe King Tut was there also — the museum had to make some physical changes to manage the crowds. Some years after that there was a major revision of the Great Hall.

[cds cds]

I know harry said 250 words but did you have to stop there? Genuinely wanted to read on.

Sorry if I’ve asked already and forgotten your reply but where are you in the writing process? Do you have a complete draft?

[James Rohan]

Hello cds cds, thanks for visiting and enjoying. I have about 60K words about Grey Eyes, but not all of them are usable, and not all the clumps of words are in contiguous sections. Also, for better or worse, I do a lot of editing and re-editing even while moving ahead. I blame the ghost of my high school English teacher for 2 of the 4 years, Evelyn Viall. When I think I have finished a section she fixes her eyes on me and says (as she so often did), “Is this the best that you can do?” That’s when I would usually take my paper back from her and work on it some more.

[cds cds]

Her work is never done! Lucky to have a helpful guide coaxing you along.

I know what you mean about unusable words. I have some of those too!

[James Rohan]

I’ll save those words, of course, and perhaps slide them, or the underlying idea, surreptitiously into another WIP

[Heather Huitt]

Hi James,

The child’s voice is great, and with last week’s post in mind this one makes perfect sense. I’m glad Robert has a bigger part to play.

Here:

‘I looked at his hand.

It looked just like his other one and pretty much like mine, only smaller. Softer. No scars yet.‘

I think you can drop the first sentence. The second shows it perfectly well on its own. I love ‘no scars yet’ – such a telling observation from an army veteran.

On that note, though, I just wonder whether there’s too much reference to his Vietnam experience – just keeping in mind what Harry said in his post. It’s clearly fresh for the narrator (I’ve forgotten if we know his name), not to mention traumatic, but does it pull us out of the scene a bit too much? Or, in this case, is it necessary for character development?

And finally…the way Robert reads his thoughts is great – most unsettling! – but is he really reading his thoughts? On the page, I mean. To me, this bit:

‘You know what they say about old habits.‘

…is the narrator commenting to the reader, or the ubiquitous ‘you’, after the event. It doesn’t feel like it’s an actual thought in his head while he’s standing in front of Robert. Could it be re-worded slightly so it really feels like Robert is interrupting his thought process?

I had a strange experience at the British Museum once. Not the goddess Athena, but a chance encounter with an old friend I hadn’t seen for twenty years. I believe in its magic 🙂

[James Rohan]

Heather, thank you for your thoughtful response! I admit to liking a bit of repetition in my first-person narratives, unfolding things in a way I think makes sense, but I agree there can be too much of a good thing. “I looked at his hand.” I’ll go back and read aloud each way a few dozen more times.

‘Nam experience — how much is too much? Good question. I have no intent for Johnny to be incapacitated by PTSD, but he definitely has some of the features, and more important than that, just the experience has helped make him who he is and what he does now. But it is not meant to be the sole, or even the most important, contributor.

Most importantly, “You know what they say about old habits.” You raise a very interesting point here, and I appreciate how you have formulated it. If I understand you, would I be correct in believing that if I were writing this story in the present tense (no chance, by the way) this would not be an issue? I have to think more about what you have described. I think Johnny could have the old habits thought during the actual scene, following his recognition of his old “Nam brain at work, but I see your point..

By the way, although I can use italics successfully in my Word docs, I can’t figure out how to italicize here. How do you do it?

[Heather Huitt]

Italics: Click on the ‘Aa’ bottom left of the window, and you’ll see it there.

1. I’ve also discovered that you can do lists too.
2. That’s the end of my list.

• And bullet points.

Anyway. I think it is possible to incorporate a thought into a past tense narrative, but it’s probably best as a consistent feature rather than a one off. Having done it in two present tense novels myself, I tried doing it in Brighthelm which is past tense, and it seems to work (to me at least!). In your excerpt, I think it’s the words ‘You know’ that move it away from his thoughts-in-the-moment and towards a narrator addressing a reader. A possible but fairly crude correction would be simply ‘But I knew what they said about old habits.’

Incidentally I read Jane’s comment about ‘I looked at his hand’ and I now see its value 😁

[James Rohan]

Thanks, Heather! You are clearly a cyber-warrior(ess). I’ll search again under Aa and open my eyes this time.

Ah! I was seeking an alternative in the direction of “But I knew . . . ” but I so very much like the sound of “You know what they say” bouncing off Robert’s upcoming response. More work required of me here.

[Cynthia MacFarlane]

Hi James, so glad to get the continuation from last week’s scene. I wondered where Robert’s mother was since he was sitting there all by himself. Maybe a quick reference? Maybe Johnny thinks something like the kid has ditched his mother again, or he even sees her in line in the cafeteria buying something. Just so we get that continuity from the last time Johnny saw the boy.

I really liked how the last line – don’t bunch up – made no sense in the moment, but then you resolve that right away in the next para. And it leads beautifully into the next part. I thought the way the little boy said Johnny’s thoughts out loud worked well. I wasn’t confused – it seemed clear to me that is was the boy saying this. And like others, I get a distinct sense that both Robert and Johnny’s lives are going to unfold in ways they never imagined. Good stuff! Cynthia

[James Rohan]

Hi, Cynthia,

Thanks for reading and commenting. I originally had Robert’s mum waiting in the cafeteria line and joining him later, but it diluted the Johnny-Robert interaction. Then I got the bright idea to bring in (although it is not yet made clear in this excerpt) the Greek gods’ proclivity for assuming the earthly form of a particular mortal, in disguise, for various purposes (trickery, gathering intelligence, softening the shock of their appearance to mortals, etc). Maybe you can guess where this might be going — it’s not just Johnny who is interested in the strange lady; she is interested in him as well. This would be another clue Johnny has to sort through in the future — not life-changing, but memorable when he’ll need to remember it.

• This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by  James Rohan. Reason: I can't help myself; now I'm editing my comments about editing

[Jane Morley]

Hi James,

I missed commenting last week but I did read about young Robert and that strange lady holding his hand. Interesting consequences. Of course. As usual you have me laughing. At the extract. And your comments. Please don’t cut ‘He looked at the hand. ‘ That bit cracked me up. Love it. Best Jane

[James Rohan]

Welcome back, Jane!

I’m pleased you remain intrigued (and entertained). I enjoy being laughed with, and sometimes I will settle for being laughed at, depending upon the laugher.

Yup, “I looked at his hand” stays in.

[Jane Morley]

I just know you’re laughing at my mistake – ‘He looked at his hand’ would indeed be better! Without the italics of course, for the sake of clarity. 🙃

[Chithrupa G]

Hi James

Nice to see excerpt from where you left last week! The banter between then comes across well. Was there museum being a place where you could meet anyone in an earlier excerpt? Sounds familiar to me. I liked the visuals in the last para crushed paper balls pitched into the garbage bin. A good dose of editing the scene will be cracking.

[James Rohan]

Thanks, Chithrupa, for reading and commenting.

[richard Flamank]

Hi James

I love the premise of the story, its setting in the museum, the idea of pursuing a goddess through the museum and of course, the importance of tea to the whole affair. Add in a mind-reading child, hand touched and transformed by the said goddess and you’ve got a recipe for a fantastic romp. Look forward to reading the next instalment.

[James Rohan]

Thank you kindly, Richard, for stopping by and for your encouragement I certainly enjoy the writing.

[carole Arnold]

I was not able to take part last week so did not see your post but wish I had.

I loved this week’s. And I would have loved to see more. You have given it a definite ‘what’s next’ feeling and painted a picture for the reader with words.

[James Rohan]

Thanks, Carole, for looking in! If you are so inclined, you can visit anyone’s previous posts by selecting the date of the assignment from all the square windows displayed (before you select Nov 10th). You can search and read previous weeks’ posts, but they are closed to new comments (as is only fair, I suppose).

[Carolyn]

Apologies for barging in here, but an even quicker way is to click on the person’s name and once at their page, click ‘Forums’ and you can see the posts they have made in any forum including these Feedback Fridays.

[James Rohan]

No, not at all, thank you! I thought there must be an easier way. But where does one find the person’s (author’s?) name to click on it? And at what stage of the logging-in process?

[Carolyn]

Their name where it appears in the post 🙂 For example, using this reply to you, if you hover over where it says Carolyn Jean above – it’ll turn orange. Click it and you’ll go to my profile. Then you can click ‘Forums’ (it will also turn orange when you hover your mouse over it), and you can see a list of forums I’ve posted in.

Or click your own name and that will work the same.

PS: If using a phone it might not show as orange (and once in their profile, you need to click the ellipsis (…) to bring up the ‘Forums’ option.

[James Rohan]

Well, I’ll be . . .. It works the way you said! Thanks!

[Carolyn]

👍👍👍

[Emma McKenzie]

Hi James,

Hugely entertaining premise and your excerpt left me wanting more! It’s so delightfully weird. And I love the setting -so much scope. I could live in the British Museum. Looking forward to the next instalment.

Emma

[James Rohan]

Thanks, Emma, for reading and commenting. Very kind. I will attempt to stay on track in seeking strangeness wherever my mind wanders.

[Fiona Jefferson]

Hi James

I really like this, having read last week’s extract to add context as you suggested (and regretting not having found your posts earlier). Looking at your reply to Cynthia, and the child’s quite mature words, I wonder if it’s not actually Robert we’re seeing in the café right now…or am I reading too much into that?

Let’s say I am. The smooth bit of mind-reading works for me, and the joyous reveal of the super-powered throw does too. I love the idea that gods and goddesses might be walking among us, and share the view that museums are magical places. Bring on the weirdness. I look forward to reading more.

[James Rohan]

Thank you, Fiona, for reading and thoughtful commenting. You are on the right track with your sleuthing around the clues.

It always gives me extra enjoyment, when I’m reading, to realize suddenly, “Oh, my! I think I know where this is going . . . .” I admit, there are others who prefer to be bludgeoned.

I’ve always thought that Athena was the only god smart enough to have a sense of humor, although she didn’t show it often. (Well, maybe Hermes also.)

[Carolyn]

Hi James, great premise and I love the 70s British Museum setting too! Enjoyed this extract.

I wondered how old Robert is? I pictured him being about 10-12 based on the ‘kids say the darnest things’ line, so I wondered why he was there alone in the cafe stirring tea. (Did kids drink tea in London in the 70s? They might have!)

[James Rohan]

Hello, Carolyn,

Well I drank tea as a kid in the USA. But not too late at night.

Thanks for reading and for your comments.

I’ve given some hints in response to previous questions in these posts about Robert, as to why things may seem a bit off with him, including lack of adult supervision, but I don’t want to spoil the suspense. Or the weirdness. Oh, what the heck — I’ll give you a clue: Robert may not be who he seems to be in the cafe.

• This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by  James Rohan.

[Carolyn]

Aha! So my wondering was well wondered

[James Rohan]

Anything worth wondering is worth wondering well.