{"id":6465,"date":"2021-03-26T13:00:00","date_gmt":"2021-03-26T13:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jerichowriters.com\/townhouse\/articles\/white-chairs-green-terraces\/"},"modified":"2021-03-26T13:00:00","modified_gmt":"2021-03-26T13:00:00","slug":"white-chairs-green-terraces","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jerichowriters.com\/white-chairs-green-terraces\/","title":{"rendered":"White chairs, green terraces"},"content":{"rendered":"

A few weeks back, one of you excellent people recommended George Saunders\u2019s book on reading and writing, A Swim In A Pond In The Rain<\/em>. I bought it and I\u2019m enjoying it muchly.<\/p>\n

In the back of the book, Saunders produces this little exercise. He lists five translations of the same sentence from a Russian author, Isaac Babel. Here they are:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. In verdure-hidden walks, wicker chairs gleamed whitely.<\/strong><\/li>\n
  2. Wicker chairs, gleaming white, lined paths overhung with foliage.<\/strong><\/li>\n
  3. White wicker chairs glittered in walks covered with foliage.<\/strong><\/li>\n
  4. Wicker armchairs dazzled white along green-shrouded promenades.<\/strong><\/li>\n
  5. In leafy avenues white wicker chairs gleamed.<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Same sentence, five versions.<\/p>\n

    Now think about them. Which do you like the best? Which the least? And why? Why do you like the ones you like? Why dislike the ones you dislike?<\/p>\n

    And suppose you were writing that sentence, not relying on the services of a translator, what would you write?<\/p>\n

    Now, neither Saunders nor I have actually read the Russian original, but that doesn\u2019t really matter for the purposes of this exercise. Here are the ingredients we need you to toss together:<\/p>\n

      \n
    • Chairs, made of wicker and coloured white<\/li>\n
    • A path or paths<\/li>\n
    • Trees or bushes overhanging the paths<\/li>\n
    • Sunshine (implied, I think, in the glittering \/ gleaming verbs)<\/li>\n
    • A contrast between white \/ green, shade \/ bright<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

      We\u2019re all friends here and this isn\u2019t an exam, so you don\u2019t get extra marks for accuracy. Trees, shrubs or bushes? Mention the wicker, yes or no? Path, walk or terrace? I honestly don\u2019t care.<\/p>\n

      Along with those ingredients, we also have a constraint, namely that Isaac Babel didn\u2019t give this little micro-scene a ton of attention in his text. The longest of our translations runs to just under ten words, so I\u2019d suggest that we set ten words as an upper limit for our own endeavours.<\/p>\n

      OK? So have a go. Have a think about the sentences above, then write out your own version of it. I\u2019ll do the same myself. Meanwhile, we\u2019ll have a short intermission.<\/p>\n

      ** Tea and biscuits are served **<\/em><\/p>\n

      ** A chamber music quartet plays Debussy **<\/em><\/p>\n

      ** Writers suck the ends of their pencils and scribble quietly **<\/em><\/p>\n

      ** A cat stalks through the room and mutters,\u00a0<\/em>\u201cJeez, Writers!\u201d\u00a0in darkly accented cattish. **<\/em><\/p>\n

      Right.<\/p>\n

      OK, so which sentence did I like? Well, none of them, really. Some of them felt overly compact and almost cryptic, like a crossword puzzle clue or someone forced to pay for text by the letter:<\/p>\n

      In verdure-hidden walks, wicker chairs gleamed whitely.<\/em><\/p>\n

      \u201cVerdure-hidden\u201d is strained as an adjective. The adverb, \u201cwhitely\u201d, is even worse. And \u201cgleamed\u201d is a perfectly fine verb in most contexts, but the hopeless adverb pretty much murders it here.<\/p>\n

      Much better are the versions that just say, plainly and accurately, what\u2019s going on:<\/p>\n

      Wicker chairs, gleaming white, lined paths overhung with foliage.<\/em><\/p>\n

      White wicker chairs glittered in walks covered with foliage.<\/em><\/p>\n

      Take the first sentence of that pair. It tells us there are chairs. They\u2019re wicker. They\u2019re a bright white. They\u2019re lining paths. Those paths are overhung with foliage.<\/p>\n

      Boom. Nice and easy. Totally clear.<\/p>\n

      The second of those two sentences attempts the same plainness, but does so less successfully. \u201cIn walks\u201d sounds a bit odd, for one thing. The chairs are surely on a path, not in one. And \u201ccovered with foliage\u201d has a sort of Palm Sunday feel \u2013 fronds laid upon the ground underfoot. The word \u201coverhung\u201d is surely more precise here.<\/p>\n

      Anyhow, that\u2019s the first part of our challenge. We have decided we like clarity, accuracy and plainness. (And yes, sometimes we want a sentence that detonates like a firecracker. But not here. This is a one-line description in a story that\u2019s hurrying on to more important things.)<\/p>\n

      So what did you come up with? Please tell me \u2013 just drop your versions into the comments below, along with any comments you have on the exercise.<\/p>\n

      Here\u2019s what I produced, my first version:<\/p>\n

      White wicker chairs, bright white, lined gravel paths, overhung with foliage.<\/em><\/p>\n

      That takes the version I liked the best but inserts \u201cbright\u201d for the slightly more forced \u201cgleaming\u201d. (Forced to my ear, that is; your tastes may differ.) And I popped in the word \u201cgravel\u201d, I think because the sentence feels like it needs shaking out and loosening up.<\/p>\n

      In fact, if you really wanted to get the bright \/ shady distinction going here, I think you\u2019d do so by giving one sentence to each thought:<\/p>\n

      A row of wicker chairs stood bright and white in the sunshine. Behind them, the paths, heavily overhung with foliage stretched away, dim, green, remote.<\/em><\/p>\n

      The real key to getting a version like that right will be to hit exactly the right note in the final word. I went for \u201cremote\u201d, but there\u2019d be something better there, depending on the context. Enchanted? Inaccessible? Alluring? I don\u2019t know, but that final word will be the clincher.<\/p>\n

      On the other hand, you will by now be hurling broken biscuits at the Debussy quartet and yelling: you said only ten words!<\/em><\/p>\n

      And OK, I did. And also \u2013 I\u2019ve not been quite straight with you, because I don\u2019t actually write like that last pair of sentences anyway.<\/p>\n

      The frustration we had with the five original sentences were that they all used verbs (gleamed, dazzled, glittered) that really wanted to be adjectives. The fact is the chairs weren\u2019t really doing anything. (That\u2019s why the verb \u201clined\u201d was the pick of the bunch.) And personally, I think, descriptions sometimes work most powerfully when you simply present the ingredients to the reader. So if I had a sentence like this in one of my Fiona Griffiths novels, I\u2019d have handled it something like this:<\/p>\n

      White chairs. Green-shaded paths. A luminous quiet.<\/em><\/p>\n

      That\u2019s only seven words (eight, if you don\u2019t count that cheaty hyphen), but I\u2019ve given myself room for a whole new thought, the luminous quiet.<\/p>\n

      It\u2019s perfectly true that I haven\u2019t explained how the chairs relate to the paths \u2013 but who cares? Not me.<\/p>\n

      It\u2019s also true that this feels like – and is – a sort of flat-pack description. You have all the parts to hand, but the task of assembly is all yours. Again, that would be a problem for plenty of novels and novelists, but my (somewhat bold) solution is just a shrug and another \u2018don\u2019t care.\u2019<\/p>\n

      If you want to see how my technique feels in an actual novel, here\u2019s my \u201cdescription\u201d of Fiona\u2019s journey through Wales in This Thing of Darkness:<\/p>\n

      Trawsfynydd, Dolgellau.<\/em><\/p>\n

      Llanbrynmair, Llanidloes.\u00a0<\/em>[These are Welsh placenames, in case you thought you\u2019d just fallen into a different language.]<\/p>\n

      Low hills, green valleys.<\/em><\/p>\n

      Grey farmhouses and sheep-studded fields.<\/em><\/p>\n

      Bridges.<\/em><\/p>\n

      Rivers flowing fast under alders. Trout-coloured water breaking over rocks.<\/em><\/p>\n

      Near Llanwrthwl, I stop for fuel.<\/em><\/p>\n

      And look: we started out thinking about a descriptive sentence, and we seem to have ended up in a place where sentences have almost entirely collapsed into their raw materials. That word \u201cbridges\u201d does triple service here as a word, as a sentence, and as a paragraph. To put it mildly, that is not a normal way to write \u2013 and I use it not just because it\u2019s a solution to the puzzle of how to write elegant, yet compact descriptions, but because the jerky, dissociated prose style reveals something crucial about my narrator\u2019s jerky and dissociated consciousness.<\/p>\n

      But that last point leads us to one more thought \u2013 this too borrowed from Saunders \u2013 before we finish:<\/p>\n

      We started out simply by thinking about how to fit our various ingredients into the confines of one short sentence. We encountered some fairly technical obstacles (the failure of whitely as an adverb, for example), and those obstacles pushed us to consider a longer version of the description \u2013 a two-sentence one, that worked hard on the light \/ shade distinction.<\/p>\n

      But in doing that, we came to sense that we couldn\u2019t quite nail down our description until we knew more about the story itself. So did those paths want to be \u201cdim, green, remote\u201d or \u201cdim, green, inaccessible\u201d? Or something else?<\/p>\n

      Descriptions are never neutral. They always act as a bridge between the world-of-the-novel, the story and the experiencing character. That\u2019s why my descriptive writing in the Fiona novels often collapses down to a set of raw materials: because the experiencing character undergoes those collapses in herself.<\/p>\n

      In the example I just quoted above, you can feel the hand of Story playing its part as well. Fiona doesn\u2019t yet know it, but she\u2019s about to be abducted by bad guys and put in a place where the looseness and freedom of \u201crivers flowing fast under alders\u201d will just be a lost and scrambled memory.<\/p>\n

      So what started out as a simple exercise in writing technique \u2013 a ten word sentence: that\u2019s all we asked! \u2013 has ended up us:<\/p>\n

        \n
      1. A simple exercise in writing technique<\/li>\n
      2. A window into the experiencing character<\/li>\n
      3. An opportunity for story to creep in<\/li>\n
      4. A statement about how we want to approach the entire book<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

        That\u2019s why writing is hard. And that\u2019s why writing is fun. And that\u2019s why I urge you to be utterly pedantic about every sentence you write. That obsessive, repeated scrutiny is the route to better writers and better books.<\/p>\n

        Oh yes, and I still don\u2019t really like ANY of the versions of that sentence I\u2019ve presented in this email. If they were in my first draft text, I\u2019d edit again before I\u2019d let the manuscript out in public.<\/p>\n

        Did you do better? I hope you did. Let’s see your offerings in the comments below.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

        A few weeks back, one of you excellent people recommended George Saunders\u2019s book on reading and writing, A Swim In A Pond In The Rain. I bought it and I\u2019m enjoying it muchly. In the back of the book, Saunders produces this little exercise. He lists five translations of the same sentence from a Russian<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":32,"featured_media":6467,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[29292],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6465","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-harrys-friday-email"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nJericho Writers<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/jerichowriters.com\/white-chairs-green-terraces\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_GB\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"White chairs, green terraces – Jericho Writers\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"A few weeks back, one of you excellent people recommended George Saunders\u2019s book on reading and writing, A Swim In A Pond In The Rain. I bought it and I\u2019m enjoying it muchly. In the back of the book, Saunders produces this little exercise. 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I've published trad & self-pub. Love both. Best known for my Fiona Griffiths crime series. Oh yes, and I'm the capo di tutti capi at Jericho Writers.","url":"https:\/\/jerichowriters.com\/author\/harryjericho\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jerichowriters.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6465","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jerichowriters.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jerichowriters.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jerichowriters.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/32"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jerichowriters.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6465"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jerichowriters.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6465\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jerichowriters.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6467"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jerichowriters.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6465"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jerichowriters.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6465"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jerichowriters.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6465"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}